Rawness in the fullness

The existential dread in the light of the moon

May 24, 2024

Maybe I should plan my psychoanalytic in-depthness on each full moon?

The urge to write hasn’t been as prevalent lately, feeling as if I write in circles trying to make anything make sense when in reality I’m on the hamster wheel.

My topics weave in and out of self-help, existential crises, financial woes, and parenting. All interwoven beautifully as the yin and yang presents itself as a dance in which I will continue to accept and also fight.

Financially times are tough.

Not just for me of course. Our world is riddled with this seemingly never-ending abyss of trying to make ends meet while the demands seem to be getting higher. Simultaneously desiring a more meaningful life for not only my family but for myself. The need for self-discovery and fun weighing on me, begging me to search for the enjoyment rather than the paycheck. But bills have to be paid, mouths have to be fed, and this girl didn’t land her relationship for the money.

So as the self- help techniques get established they become easily put to the side to make way for stress and coping mechanisms to protect us from the world we live in. Consuming media and food as a means to fulfill the part of me screaming “we need more”, “you aren’t doing enough”, “how are we going to make it”, “you are disassociating again”, “is your relationship working”, “are you even a good enough parent”. It all becomes too much to bare.

The itch that can’t be scratched is searched for among the full cabinets of nothing that suits me. The tv plays mind numbing shows that keep me pressing “next episode” while searching my phone for a game to keep me occupied because my sabbatical from social media scrolling still continues.

But what good did that do if I’m becoming further and further apart but still looking at my phone?

I drive my hour commute to work while turning on a podcast, full of amazing ideas that reach into my soul. These voices seem to take place of my social life that’s missing, I consider them friends at times, realizing I’m one of many that tunes in to feel comfort from these people that communicate with ease and with purpose. I benefit from listening while also feeling envy of their job and their opportunities to speak about such things with these likeminded individuals. Craving the connection I hear and wondering if I’ll gain it or have to work harder in yet another aspect of my life.

Progress doesn’t come easy when your mind takes precedence over all else. A crowded yet desolate highway filled with voices yelling over each other, all wanting to go in different directions yet each without a means to get there. Turn left, then right, go around this circle, turn right, turn left and land where you were before, a never ending cycle that seems promising until the landscape never changes. Flowers pop up here and there, grass grows along the sides and sometimes it’s even maintained, yet we circle the same neighborhoods and continue to have to replant to seem like progress is being made.

And with each day the sun still shines, the ends are met, the kids are happy, somehow we make it to and from places still in tact. The goal to be fulfilled may be an ongoing theme that can be appreciated. Fulfillment means different things to different people and to me it isn’t about the things or the prestige, it’s just about enjoyment.

Amidst the spiraling I have implemented something lately that’s benefitted my soul as of late. Each morning I’m awoken by my soon to be two year old, usually needing milk or some sustenance after a long night of rest.

As I grab his favor and make my coffee we chat and I drink my water before consuming my life line. After the coffee is brewed, I take a cup and my son barefoot into our backyard. We dig our feet into the dirt and we say hello to the sun, the trees, the birds, the cars that pass by, the clouds and the sky. Grounding has been a topic among my family and friends more recently and was something I felt I did unconsciously. I live my life barefoot as much as I can but never purposefully first thing in the morning. I try to keep us outside for at least 20 minutes each morning, keeping us from turning on cartoons first thing, and it’s really seemed to set the mood. Connecting with the earth is probably the only thing that makes much sense lately.

The truth is, I’ve been gifted with the ability to know that everything will work out, even when a part of me doesn’t know how. I’ve seen impossible things happen when everything seemed black. The light shines through, an opportunity presents itself when the obsession to figure it out dissipates. The fight to find my own way will always be one of my biggest hurdles but as I learn to step back and do my best it usually sorts itself out. That goes with finances, relationships, parenting, mental health, the whole lot.

I can’t help but think it’s not this hard for a lot of people. The mental anguish doesn’t hit some as it does others and maybe if I can turn it around and find the gift of that maybe I can give myself some more grace.

The phrase “don’t take yourself too seriously” rings through my mind as I type what seems to be the whining of an ungrateful soul. So maybe I’ll start there. I mean it is all a simulation isn’t it? And if it isn’t there most certainly are aliens watching this play out. And again if there isn’t, we are all just humans playing this human game with the ending being a mystery.

Whatever it is, the moon is in its fullest and I’m in my rawest state. Maybe I’m a moon child just searching for the reason when maybe there is none. Just a continuation of the phases, over and over and over again.

That’s the end of my moon rant.

If it resonated or struck a cord let me know, I’d love some rapport 💜

Thanks for tuning in!!