Praying for desperation

Sorting through my experience of watching my friend struggle on the fence of sobriety.

Early sobriety is a topic I’ve been blessed to not have to reflect on as much recently.

A part of my life that is far from forgotten but the feelings attached to it seem like a distant memory.

That is, until the memories flood back as you look into the eyes of a friend in the midst of the struggle.

She speaks of loneliness and despair, not knowing how to survive in a world where she’s misunderstood by her peers. Relocating as a means of desperation to get well yet leaving all the community she knows in a time of need.

In the beginning of trying to get sober it is lonely among other things. Everything you’ve ever turned to cope with is taken away as if losing a best friend or something to soothe. It’s learning how to walk after you’ve lost your legs, or speak in a place that doesn’t know your language.

She asks me “how can I not feel so alone”, as if she’s pierced my heart with a knife because I know the answer is just having to just walk through it.

The illusion of people and security may seem to be the answer however what you’re really searching for comes from within.

How can you turn inward to the source that has misguided you for so long as a means to fulfill your every need? How can you redirect the guilt and shame dialogue into praise and worship of yourself for being the beautiful being you truly are? What does it take and for how long can you endure the suffering of having to live completely different than everything you knew?

My first few months of getting sober were filled with distractions which made the loneliness bar-able, until at the end of the day I lay alone in bed alone with my mind. I would be reminded of the feelings that haven’t left but were only silenced for a few hours. The trust I had lost in people was now to be replaced with vulnerability with many strangers, so much so that to not divulge would mean going insane or going back to what was. My deepest darkest parts of myself had to be repelled from within to a human to show that I in fact am not unique and don’t have to carry such a huge load on my shoulders.

As they say in the 12 step groups, “this is a tall order and many of us don’t want to go through with it”. But to not would mean death. It would mean continuing to wreck every inch of life rather than face ourselves.

Desperation will cause many to do whatever it takes, I am grateful I was in that place bad enough to jump if they said jump. For my friend however, that desperation looks different than it did before. Instead she has returned to sitting on the fence. Things are bad but they could be worse, things seem manageable but to us they are out of control, the desperation is felt but not long enough to do anything different about it.

Speaking to the addict in the way people do doesn’t work. It is different for every individual who faces this life dilemma. Some of us need hardness, while others just need love. Some need chemical help while others need total abstinence. Others can quit when they’ve reached their limit while others dig holes greater than the rock bottom they thought they’d reached. Most of us have so much mental baggage built up over the years that help has to look many ways involving more than just groups but also therapy and anti-psychotics. It is not a one size fits all.

After knowing all of this and living through it, it continues to be so easy for me to say “you need to stop drinking, it isn’t working for you” but how can you tell someone to stop when they can’t stop? It’s like trying to tell a kid with a candy bar they should throw away the rest so they won’t be wired, it just isn’t that easy.

In recovery we are available when anyone is ready to turn their lives around and if they do, you create a bond unlike any other. Sometimes those same people you’ve fought war with, after a time, back out and start fighting against you. Manipulation tactics and lies are spewed at the expense of their recent outings and this becomes their norm. The recovery aspect starts to strip away and the enabling beings to peak its head. You want to do everything in your power to turn their perspective back to what it was but their ability to see what is possible seems out of reach. Your reasoning and solutions seem outlandish, separating the two of you even further and making help seem impossible.

For my situation, the drunken phone calls were getting to be more frequent and went nowhere. The calls for help were just to have a sounding board to encapsulate her woes while knowing someone would still answer. Get togethers have become suspicious knowing she is saying one thing but doing something completely different. The lies are exhausting and the worry consuming. It isn’t about helping my friend anymore but finding a way to help myself set boundaries. I will surely be there to help when the time is right but I cannot listen to drunk phone calls and plan ways to get her well when she isn’t prepared to help herself.

It’s heartbreaking to cut ties when you love someone so much. Luckily the community of recovering people is huge so help is not solely one persons responsibility. If someone is ready to get help they will surely find it.

I’ve learned a lot of things about myself on this journey but one that rings true currently is I am not capable of making or breaking anyone. I am only responsible for my own recovery. I am available when someone is in need but I cannot save anyone no matter how bad I want to. It takes what it takes for them. All I can be is love, to not only them but also to myself.

I’ll end with saying how grateful I am that I am not in those early days of trying to get sober. I had no intention or belief that I would be sitting here drink and drug free for almost a decade. I have truly been granted the best life I could dream of, even with all the complaints, they are so minuscule to the joy I have for my life today. People’s pain does not bring me joy but it does bring perspective for all the things I need to be more grateful for.

I will continue to navigate this relationship with my friend and the group of us that are continually trying to figure out where and when we can help. There are resources for people learning to live with the alcoholic/addict, something I need to look into more. She will continue to be in my prayers and more will unfold as time goes on.

For everyone struggling with an addiction or struggling watching someone they know, my heart is with you.

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash